I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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