can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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