that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
