If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
