We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
