I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
