nut hugger
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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