Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
