How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
