So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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