yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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