OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Randomize
