I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
