and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
