i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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