Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
