Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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