you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
