Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
