Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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