Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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