Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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