I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
