I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
