Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
