I met the friendliest cop last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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