i just had sex bonerless
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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