My nipple is on Facebook.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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