wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
