he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He passed out mid-signature
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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