cat food counts as protein by the way
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
