I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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