Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
