How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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