Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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