when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
