I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
