Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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