got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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