Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
