I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
