In the future we'll all be gay
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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