There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
