New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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