you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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