I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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