just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
