eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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