yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
