I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
