why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
